Mariya Ali

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

Read At Your Own Peril: A Brief Insight Into My Mind

Sleep evades me, so I shall do the only thing that gives me comfort these days: Write. Perhaps this is unwise, sharing my thoughts and feelings in the vulnerable state that sleep deprivation causes. That grey area between being awake and asleep. The broken barriers and poor judgement that ensues. Perhaps it’s unwise to share my innermost thoughts with the world at large, but I have decided to be unashamedly, un-apologetically, authentically me.  Warts and all.

It’s a bad place, the place that I am in.  A vortex of darkness, a black hole that seems to crush every particle of light that comes within close proximity.  A strong gravity that only attracts negativity.  My mind is inundated with regrets, sadness, what-ifs, remorse.  It doesn’t seem to matter how hard I try to break through with positivity, a strong force crushes it and obliterates it into vapour that dissipates into the all consuming, all encompassing darkness.

And so I wonder, how long will this one last?  Will it be gone in the morning?  Will this seemingly endless torture last a few days?  How long will my next respite be?  How many more times do I have to go through this cycle?  Wash, rinse, repeat, until the end of time.

And now, I feel nothing.  Numbness.  Or perhaps it is something, my brain is too foggy and my eyes too heavy to analyse it any further.  “This too shall pass”, I assure myself.  And it shall. But then, it shall return.

I knew tonight would be hard.  I was hoping that I would sleep through the night, avoiding those perilous-sleep-deprived late hours of the night/early hours of the morning.  The hours where fatigue weakens me and I balance precariously on the edge of sanity, where the slightest push can be the catalyst that sends me catapulting over the edge.  The hours where there is no activity, nothing to divert my attention and occupy as much of my brain as I can, to minimise this evil force.  But I have a sadistic enjoyment of this state.  A want to go further and deeper.  A need to feel pain.  The type of enjoyment a child gets from poking a bruise.  Perhaps it is me punishing myself for the perceived transgressions that my mind is torturing me with.  I call this threshold “the point of no return”.   Once here, there is no going back.  Grit your teeth, hold on, brace yourself and survive the ride.

And so there it is, a brief insight into my mind.  It’s not pretty, is it?

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1 Comment

  1. Waltfizney

    The old man said,
    ‘To live with nothing but happiness, is like living in a world where the flowers never die’
    I looked at him and I smiled,
    He looked at me, and smiled back,
    As you would at the naivety of a child.
    And then came a sigh,
    ‘Dear Child, the flowers must die’
    Confused, I asked him why,
    ‘Would you be able witness the beauty of spring at all, if autumn had not swept away its traces?’
    But I didn’t understand so asked.
    ‘But if spring was eternal would that not be beautiful?’
    He smiled again, that same smile.
    ‘To witness an eternal spring would be to see a beautiful scene indeed, yet the beauty of it would be lost to you, forever,
    The flowers must die,
    The colours must fade,
    The sun must set in order for you to behold its majesty when it rises’
    A moment passed.
    I smiled. He smiled.
    And we never stopped.

    My point is ‘this too shall pass’,
    Nature itself embodies that phrase.
    You are the sun.
    At times, even the sun hides behind the moon,
    But then it rises, and it sets,
    and it showers the world with its awe-inspiring beauty.
    This moment does not define you.
    The darkness does not define you.
    You are the sun and you will shine.
    Of that, I promise you.

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