Mariya Ali

…if it meant nothing to ya. Because I’ve been reminiscing about those days and wondering, why? Why weren’t you even a good friend when I had handed you my heart and risked it all? I’m not sure why I’ve been thinking about you the last few days. Actually, I do. This song has a new meaning and a new person who is attached to it. It’s making me smile again, rather than fill me with memories of betrayal. What kind of friend leaves someone in their darkest hour? I would have been there for you. Every. Single. Day. You did me a favour though, because you never deserved a friend like me, and now you don’t have one.

So it meant nothing to you, but now it means something else to me. And guess what? He makes my heart smile.

Sweet memories of my grandmother have been on my mind the past few days. Tonight is lailatul qadr, and it reminds me of how we used to scheme our escape together – I would meet her and we would go on a clandestine adventure together (normally to McDonald’s!) In general, my heart aches for another moment with her. I wish that I could hug her one more time, smell her perfume and hear her tell me she loves me once more. I wish I could tell her that I love her once more. I wish she was here over the past three years to support us through everything we went through.

I’ve been listening to her voicemails the past couple of days – (probably not a great idea, considering I’ve been extremely anxious for numerous reasons). Her melodious voice was soothing, but it was followed by a low and consistent ache to see her again, which hasn’t really left me since. There’s so much I wish I could tell her right now, how there’s so many exciting things going on for me, which both fill me with anticipation and crippling anxiety. I wish that I could hear her comforting, judgement free words once more.

Nanny, I miss you. I promise that every time I see a cat or smell a rose, I will always think of you.