Mariya Ali

Today, I will examine my life to see if the scales have swung too far in any area, or not far enough in some. I will work toward achieving balance

Hehe

Help me pay attention to my behaviors during the process of initiating relationships. Help me take responsibility for myself and learn what I need to learn. I will trust that the people I want and need will come into my life. I understand that if a relationship is not good for me, I have the right and ability to refuse to enter into it – even though the other person thinks it may be  good for him or her. I will be open to the lessons  I need to learn about me in relationships, so I am prepared for the best possible relationships with people.

The Language of Letting Go

I find it very hard to leave a relationship, or even a potential relationship. Which is ironic really, because then I feel rejected when it doesn’t work out – even though I actually didn’t really want it to in the first place. Maybe I value the person when they’re not available or maybe it’s an underlying self-esteem issue, and I discount people who are interested in me from the get-go.

So what behaviors do I have that contribute to this? Is it a manifestation of a lack of self esteem? That seems the likely culprit at the moment. Or maybe it’s a fear that the right people won’t come into my life. Or a combination of the both.

Then I think back and realise that every once in awhile, I will stop, my jaw will drop and I will say “wow”. Law of averages/attraction means that at some point that will be reciprocated, right?

Help me accept the potent emotions I may feel toward family members. Help me be grateful for the lesson they are teaching me. I accept the golden light of healing that is now shining on me and my family.

The Language of Letting Go

Anger at family? I can’t really say that I have any of that. I’m blessed to have incredible parents, second-parents, siblings and second-siblings.

“In all of my pain, I forgot about the pain that my parents are going through”, I remember M telling me after her divorce. Through my pain, I forgot about the pain that my family felt, watching me in pain. Yet, they put that aside and were 100% there for me, through good times and bad, and awful. So no, I have no anger towards my family – only gratitude.

Today, I will ask myself what I would be doing differently if I weren’t trying to control. When I hear the answer, I will do it. Help me let go of my need to control. Help me set myself and others free.

The Language of Letting Go

I don’t need to control people – I want to control situations. Perhaps it’s my fear of pain – or rather, my (superhuman) ability to put myself in positions where pain is inevitable. Maybe it isn’t inevitable – but just a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So what would I be doing differently if I weren’t trying to control? What would it really feel like to let go? I suppose it  would entail really, truly living in the moment. Not worrying about the future, or lamenting on the past, but being grounded in the present moment.

I remember Krista once giving me a tip – look down at my feet. My feet are on the ground, in the present moment. They aren’t 5 years down the line and they aren’t in the rear-view mirror.

I realise now that I’ve spent so much of my life either looking back wistfully or looking forward skeptically, that I’ve scarcely enjoyed the present moment. I didn’t savour the colours, smells, tastes and company while it was happening. I’m left with a lot of regrets – relationships and moments that I wish I had cherished at the time that have slipped through my fingers.

Oh-well. Lessons learnt. Today, I will look down at my feet and rather than clicking my heels three times, thinking about where I’d rather be, I’ll take a deep breath, look up and enjoy the moment. Right there and then.

Today, help me to know that I don’t have to allow myself to be pulled into negativity, even around those I love. Help me set boundaries. Help me know it’s okay to take care of myself.

The Language of Letting Go

The lure of depression is intoxicating. It makes you want to suck yourself ever-deeper into the black abyss of pain.

I remember how I used to shield my family – faking happiness whenever they were around. I would put on a ‘happy-face’ and pretend everything was okay – wiping away my tears and blaming my red eyes on allergies.

“What’s wrong?” Babesies asked me yesterday.

“Nothing” I responded.

“I know there’s something”.

That’s the beauty of having incredible family around – they just know. They can tell, by the subtle silence and feigned smiles, that something’s amiss.

And know exactly how to fix it.

Sigh. I love my family.

Today, I will search for my own truth, and I will allow others to do the same. I will place value on my vision and the vision of others. We are each on the journey, making our own discoveries – the ones that are right for us today.

The Language of Letting Go

Every day, I learn something new about myself – I suppose this is a continuation of my self-discovery, or perhaps my life has now shifted so that self discovery is just a part of my MO.

What am I learning? I’m learning that I have a lot to learn. I didn’t realise how complex and intricate I actually am. I honestly thought I was a simple being – after all, the simple things in life make me happy. I’m not.

I remember how Voldemort used to harp on about “life is about taking something complex and making it simple”. At the time, I agreed, because if you say something with enough conviction, it’s actually believable. Now that I reflect upon it, I disagree. Life is complex, but there’s so much beauty in complexity.

Today, I feel like my Language of Letting Go affirmation isn’t really applicable, so instead, these lyrics have been in my head all day and I wish to share them. They’re so fitting.

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you’re fast asleep
In dreams you will lose your heartache
Whatever you wish for you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you’re feeling small
Alone in the night you whisper thinking no one can hear you at all
You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you

Don’t let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true