I feel my fingers twitching and my eyes constantly being drawn to the screen. I know that I shouldn’t go there, that I risk sabotaging potential amazing-ness, that I feel myself falling into the black hole of toxic behavioural patterns. I’m trying to fight it, to divert my mind, to fill my time with pointless activities that really don’t need to be done. Anything to pass the time and not give in to temptation.
Part of me still wants to hold on to a belief in destiny; A romanticised notion that there is someone out there made especially for me, who is bumbling along in their life, feeling the same frustration that I feel. One day, we’ll meet under the most incredible circumstances, sparks will fly, yada yada… Fast forward to wedding cake sampling.
I’m petrified that destiny is within ourselves, because, well, historically I royally f*** things up. It means that my happiness lies in my clumsy hands and my future will be shaped by my awful judgement.
Basically, I’m screwed, and will live out the rest of my life a-la-spinster-Bridget-Jones, but sans Hugh Grant. And definitely sans Colin Firth.
Also, I really want to sample cake.