Mariya Ali

I feel my fingers twitching and my eyes constantly being drawn to the screen. I know that I shouldn’t go there, that I risk sabotaging potential amazing-ness, that I feel myself falling into the black hole of toxic behavioural patterns. I’m trying to fight it, to divert my mind, to fill my time with pointless activities that really don’t need to be done. Anything to pass the time and not give in to temptation.

Part of me still wants to hold on to a belief in destiny; A romanticised notion that there is someone out there made especially for me, who is bumbling along in their life, feeling the same frustration that I feel. One day, we’ll meet under the most incredible circumstances, sparks will fly, yada yada… Fast forward to wedding cake sampling.

I’m petrified that destiny is within ourselves, because, well, historically I royally f*** things up. It means that my happiness lies in my clumsy hands and my future will be shaped by my awful judgement.

Basically, I’m screwed, and will live out the rest of my life a-la-spinster-Bridget-Jones, but sans Hugh Grant. And definitely sans Colin Firth.

Also, I really want to sample cake.

Be gone pain.

Be gone memories.

Be gone shattered hopes.

Be gone unrealised dreams.

Be gone feelings.

Be gone attachment.

Be gone yearning.

Be gone anticipation.

Be gone excitement.

Poof. Be gone.

No seriously, just f off.

And so it begins. I open at the close is my (relationship) pain-motto. Which I get doesn’t make much sense, but right now I simply don’t care. Harry Potter references just make me feel better.

Compromise is a dangerous thing. You move and move and move and move back, and don’t realise when you’ve fallen off that cliff. Or rather, been pushed off that cliff. You realise that you were backtracking towards it, facing the person who’s pushing you, not realising the edge of it is there, trusting the person you think cares won’t push you off. You struggle against the pushing, trying to push back, but not enough for them to walk away. Because you really, really, really don’t want them to leave. Some moments together have been magical, and memories of those moments make you fight to resist your own instincts to push back. But reflexes are reflexes.

Then you fall, and crash. And the jagged edges of the rocks beneath and the impact hurts. A lot. It opens up old wounds and creates new ones. Wounds that have been haphazardly sewn together, over and over again. And the person who pushed you off looks down at your broken, twisted body rather than walking away, under the guise of caring, but deep down, you wonder if it’s to appease their conscience. They think that it’s better to walk away so that you can get on with standing up, dusting yourself off and walking away – not realising that the kind thing to do is to come down to the rocks, extend an arm and help that person get back up again.

And no matter how much they say they care, actions speak louder than words.

I thought it was a sign – a divine sign – that you were meant for me and I for you. I printed out your picture and put it on my vision board, filling the last blank space. A representation of my heart’s deepest desires. You. A stranger. Yet so familiar.

Then we spoke. No, I’m not the MI6. Why didn’t you laugh at my jokes? Why did you shrug me off? Why did others find you to be so rude?

I struggle to use that as a blockade. My desire to be with the idea of you is stronger than my desire to believe that you are what you sounded like you are. A jerk.

I hold onto her words: you have a big heart. I make excuses in my head…I’m a stranger. You’re probably scared. She’s just a random girl who called you up. Who looked you up, found you and stalked you. Actually now that I think about it, I get it. It’s quite strange. Yet behind that strangeness, at the other side of the screen, on the other side of the phone….is me. A nice person. A hopeless romantic whose heart desires nothing more than an illusion of you to pour her love into. The love that I have that overflows from me, with no chalice to fill.

And there you are.

The embodiment of everything I think I want.

The picture that fills the blank space.

The chalice that my love seeks.

I live in hope.