Mariya Ali

Ugh. I’m sorry, I’m just going to thought vomit. Because I have feeling sickness.

I’m so tired of figuring out more and more ways in which I am just completely, utterly and entirely f*cked up. I mean, I have so many emotional issues that I don’t even know what’s “normal” about me. I keep thinking that the right circumstances will fix things, but they won’t. The harsh reality is that I just need to suck it up and sort it out, all by my lonesome. Then the victim mentality that I am oh-so-familiar-with kicks in – why me? Why can’t things just fall into place?

But the reality is, they are. Well, mostly. But that elusive Mr Right, well, he remains nowhere to be seen. And in concentrating exclusively on this fact, I continue to feel like a failure. Even though I have a thousand good qualities and great things happening in my life, I feel broken, incomplete and worthless because I “can’t find a guy”. Years of family and cultural pressure have conditioned me to feel this way. Now, it’s up to me, and me alone, to recalibrate.

Jeez, where do I start?

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. 

Beautiful words, and an apt description of the work that I’m currently doing. Ironically, I was discussing this with my doctor yesterday. I approached the subject of my very unhealthy deifying of a man, who inevitably doesn’t live up to my unrealistic expectations and eventually ends in heartbreak (for me). Add to that it’s a major trigger, and all in all it’s just not a very good idea.

How does one go about finding all the barriers within oneself? My approach is to reflect on past behaviour and pay attention to current behaviour – in time, patterns will emerge and they’re a great indication of what’s going on inside my mind – and heart. So far it’s been working and I’m making ample progress.

As for “your task is not to seek for love”, it’s a lot easier to say than do. When you’ve been sociologically programmed to think that the ultimate goal in life is to find a “suitable life partner”, it’s very hard to change your entire dogma. I’m a firm believer that when you stop seeking love, it will find you. The expectation and hope of the relationship working out is ultimately what causes it to fail.

So, my friends, I vow that from now on, there will be no more anticipation for Prince Charming to come along and reunite me with my other shoe. Should I lose a glass slipper, I’ll go out and buy another pair.

Preferably Louboutin.