Mariya Ali

Sweet memories of my grandmother have been on my mind the past few days. Tonight is lailatul qadr, and it reminds me of how we used to scheme our escape together – I would meet her and we would go on a clandestine adventure together (normally to McDonald’s!) In general, my heart aches for another moment with her. I wish that I could hug her one more time, smell her perfume and hear her tell me she loves me once more. I wish I could tell her that I love her once more. I wish she was here over the past three years to support us through everything we went through.

I’ve been listening to her voicemails the past couple of days – (probably not a great idea, considering I’ve been extremely anxious for numerous reasons). Her melodious voice was soothing, but it was followed by a low and consistent ache to see her again, which hasn’t really left me since. There’s so much I wish I could tell her right now, how there’s so many exciting things going on for me, which both fill me with anticipation and crippling anxiety. I wish that I could hear her comforting, judgement free words once more.

Nanny, I miss you. I promise that every time I see a cat or smell a rose, I will always think of you.

And so here I am, 8 years later, waiting for it all to implode.  Poisoning my soul with ill wishes and negative thoughts. I say it’s for your own good, but really part of me knows, deep down, it is to avenge and want to witness pain.

I hope you know, this is not personal. It never was.  I just wasn’t able to accept that this was meant to be my path.

But now I must.

After all these years, I can only be grateful for what a lucky escape I had.  I live in my dream apartment, with a great career in progress and surrounded with love and positivity.

I think back to where I was 7 years ago and what my future could have been – stuck with a selfish, abusive man and part of a classless family. I am sure I would have ended up sacrifing to fulfil his endless need for admiration and the limelight and despite this, being made to feel insufficient, incompetent and frankly undermining my entire sense of self worth.

How lucky I am to have escaped that awful situation, had the opportunity to rebuild myself and live the life that I am currently living.

Thank you for opening my eyes and saving me from making the biggest mistake of my life.

Alhamdolillah.

So, after my epic meltdown last week at my Walk the Tightrope session (thank you depression), I’m trying to make some positive changes in my life. I think J and E have realised just how unhappy and demotivated I actually am – and thankfully things seem to be changing.

The past few weeks have flown by, things have been so busy and hectic. So, this post will serve solely as an update, rather than have any meaningful insights into myself, life, or any of the other things I sometimes reflect on here.

Mamu came last weekend and it was lovely to see him. Things are so different when he comes to London compared to when I go and visit him – it’s really lovely to have him around.

I’m thinking of making the move to Dubai – speaking of, things with Swindon are going so well. I absolutely adore that guy.

So despite my meltdown last week…smiley face 🙂