A new decade. A new year. A new me. I hope. Looking back, I have had the worst 10 years I could ever imagine. If you would have told me about what would transpire over the following decade when I was 15 I would have never believed you. I would never have imagined that I would be able to get through it. But I did. I remember Batul telling me once that she was amazed at humans’ resilience. I don’t know whether it was that instinct for survival, or divine intervention, but somehow I managed to get through it. Sometimes I wished I couldn’t, others I really struggled to stay alive and others I don’t know where I found the strength to carry myself through the events that were unfolding. There have been highlights, but whatever happiness I had seemed to unravel and collapse in front of my very eyes. Relationship after failed relationship. Guy after guy. Argument after argument. A broken engagement. I’ve had things happen to me that I would never wish on anyone else. And just to put the icing on the cake, I found out at the ripe age of 25 that I have an illness that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Everytime I take my tablets I feel defeated. It’s a constant reminder, twice each and every day, that I am ill and I will never be cured. It’s a constant reminder that I am not normal, and never will be. That’s a really bitter pill to swallow when you’re so young.
Where will I be when I’m 35? Decades pass so quickly. It doesn’t feel like it’s been 10 years since I was 15 years old. It feels like it was a quick succession of catastrophes. It seems like my coping mechanism was to completely disassociate myself from what was happening. I do not connect emotion to events in my past. It feels like I’m watching a movie whenever I look back at everything. Perhaps in 10 years I’ll have 10 years of happiness and joy to look back on. I’ll be able to look back and have emotions connected to events, and be able to relive the happiness. It feels like it’s about time that things started going right for me. I think I deserve it.