Mariya Ali

Today, I will love and accept myself for who I am and where I am in my recovery process. I am right where I need to be to get to where I’m going tomorrow.

The Language of Letting Go

Sometimes I feel like I have nothing more to reflect on with the daily LOLG affirmations. Perhaps this would have been better for me last year; I’m in a much better place now.

Yet it’s in the wee hours of the night, when I get frustrated that karma hasn’t come a-knocking – both for he and I. Then I realise that it’s coming for me – good karma that is. For after all that I’ve been through – I know that good things are just around the corner.

As for him – when I stop and truly reflect – it must be really horrible to be him. His existence is his own curse, and those he encounters are there to pay off their own bad karma. What a pathetic way to be.

I’m so happy that I no longer have to listen to his vile abusive rants or be covertly manipulated and controlled. Genuinely, I can act now without being afraid of the consequences.

I feel free from the shackles, and I’m only just realising now how much they were weighing me down.

Today, I will let myself enjoy what is good. I don’t have to wreck my good day or good feeling; I don’t have to let others spoil it either.

The Language of Letting Go

Things I am enjoying today:

• Campaigning for what I believe in
• Writing!
• Crafts
• Meditating
• Guitar playing

And…I’m blessed to not have anyone in my life to wreck it.

I can’t tell you how much of a relief that is.

Help me remember that frustrations and confusion usually precede growth. If my situation is challenging me, it is because I’m learning something new, rising to a higher level of understanding. Help me be grateful, even in my frustration, that life is an exciting progression of lessons.

The Language of Letting Go

Grrrr….the hulk struggles to stay locked away, especially lately.

Things I can do to curb him:

• Sleep on it
• Share with someone (not Bhai, he riles him up even more!)
• Meditate?
• Take some deep breaths
• Candles…candles and more candles
• Distractions!
• Put it in perspective

And perhaps, I just need to realise that it’s just a learning experience.

Today, I will combine the principles of gratitude for what I have with the belief that I deserve the best. If there is no good reason to deprive myself, I won’t.

The Language of Letting Go

What, exactly, are the principles of gratitude?

I feel like perhaps I grumble too much.

Shouldn’t you be truthful to how you feel, rather than forcing yourself to be fake?

Maybe I don’t grumble too much, but just cut myself some slack.

Does that mean that I’m being ungrateful?

Help me let go of my need to be afraid. Replace it with a need to be at peace. Help me listen to my healthy fears and relinquish the rest.

The Language of Letting Go

Be not afraid

Of what the future holds

Of what it would feel like

To let go of all that feels familiar

Be not afraid

To step into the unknown

To venture onto the tightrope

While battling a phobia of heights

Be not afraid

To leap into uncertainty

And fly through the air

Without checking the parachute

Watching the ground fast-approaching

Today, I will do one activity or behavior that I know will create a good feeling for me. If I’m uncertain about what I like, I will experiment with one behavior today.

The Language of Letting Go

One of the good things that have come out of the past few years is that I have discovered what interests me and what I enjoy doing – be it reading, writing, learning new things, spending time with my family, watching a good movie/show or simply talking to friends. Every day, as per N’s advice, I do something to “indulge” myself – something completely, wholly, 100% for me.

Today, I will exchange a controlled life for one that is manageable

The Language of Letting Go

There’s a lot in this book about control, eh. I wonder what control has to do with abusive relationships – when I was with Voldy I certainly had no control over anything – rather I was completely controlled. Perhaps after relinquishing total control, the knee-jerk reaction is to then feel a need to control everything.

Do I have this need? Really, do I? If I consider, deep down, what my needs are, is one of them to control? I think one is to avoid pain, which manifests as control. I mean, jeez, how many setbacks does a woman have to go through? I think of the whole school of thought that consists of something along the lines of “there are others that are in much worse situations”, but I feel like instead, one should celebrate what one has overcome. Oh dear, I just used the third person.

However, there are people in worse situations, and of course there are people in better situations. And then there’s me – my journey, my lessons, my happiness, my sadness…which I don’t wish to compare to others. So rather than aim to control – I’ll aim to take a back seat, take the ups as they come and the downs as they come.

If I get hurt? That’s life I guess. I’ve overcome it before, I can do it again.