Today, I will practice tolerance, acceptance and love of others as they are, and myself as I am. I will strive for that balance between expecting too much and expecting too little from others and myself.

The Language of Letting Go

After being ridiculed and judged consistently on every aspect of myself, I struggled with self-esteem for a very long time. It’s hard to love yourself when somebody has covertly conditioned you to dislike everything about you. From intelligence, personality, how you come across, how people view your behaviour, looks, body type, sense of humour…nothing was good enough. I was far from “perfect” – everything that was initially attractive about me were now my biggest flaws – and it knocked my confidence.

It took a lot of work and a lot of validation externally for me to believe in myself again – to understand that the things that were systematically undermined are really my greatest assets. In reality, I’m very intelligent, I have a great personality, I come across as well-spoken, funny and fun to be around, I’m pretty and yes, I could lose a few pounds, but I’m getting there. I don’t beat myself up about it (much), because I’m not perfect and I certainly have some chinks in my armour, but I’ve come to accept it. I’m okay with being a little bit short tempered, sometimes argumentative, occasionally lazy and a perpetual procrastinator.

I don’t expect perfection in others – but then again, I never did. In fact, I accepted too many flaws in others. Eager to find and keep love, I didn’t stand my ground and say “no, I’m not going to tolerate this”. Now, there are so many fish in the sea, I’m starting to be able to say “next!” when I realise that their imperfection is not the imperfection that would work well with my imperfection – if that makes any sense. I’ve become better at rejection – no longer taking it personally.

I’m not perfect. I am, however, perfectly imperfect. And that’s a beautiful thing.