Today, I will understand that I hold the key to my freedom. I will stop participating in my oppression and victimisation. I will take responsibility for myself, and let others do as they may.

The Language of Letting Go

Again, a pertinent post for me. Yesterday night, I had another pity party. I cried, vented, got sympathy, gave myself sympathy and fueled the fire of victimisation. I knew what I was doing to myself as I did it and today I woke up feeling deflated, upset and angry. It revived feelings that I haven’t had in quite some time and has ended up being detrimental to me.

What are the payoffs for being the victim? Empathy from others for sure, but the biggest payoff was validation that what I went through was bad. In JF’s words “horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible” and “awful awful awful abuse”. I needed to hear that. I needed to remind myself, or rather be reminded, that I was a victim. Why? As I reflect on this question, I don’t really have a clear answer. For comfort, for validation and to create an understanding of how hurt I truly was/still am. An explanation for why I do what I do.

I don’t want to be silent – I want that understanding. My story deserves to be told and I deserve to be listened to. If it gives me that brief moment of sympathy/empathy, to me that’s worth the fallout the next day.

Today, I feel okay with allowing myself to slip back into victim mode, as infrequent as it is. It briefly takes away my freedom, but when I think about it, it gives me freedom. It lets others see how my wings are slightly burnt so that they understand if I don’t fly so high. In a way, I take responsibility for myself, yet I also control feeling a victim – which I suppose is a way of not being a victim, because I have control over it, which by definition then removes being a victim – if you follow my (slightly convoluted) logic.

So I think that yesterday, I did have freedom, because I chose to feel the way I did. And I’m fine with that.