Today, I will let things happen without worrying about the significance of each event. I will trust that this will bring about my growth faster than running around with a microscope. I will trust my lessons to reveal themselves in their own time.

The Language of Letting Go

Am I a control freak? I’m not sure. I certainly have a tendency to obsess over things that I have no control over. I was randomly told by a near-stranger that I have a propensity to obsess…I’m not sure whether he picked up on that or whether it was part of the joke that he was running with.

Delving deeper, why do I do this? I think that it could be a fear of the future – a fear that I will get hurt. It could also be a symptom, a way of acting out and rebelling against feeling like I’ve been controlled for so long, a form of OCD or a combination of all of the above.

Then again, I remember Dr. Eapen once telling me that she refuses to treat it because it’s what fuels my creativity and is productive in my life. I suppose it’s a double edged sword – as much as it torments me, it helps me. My obsession turns into a need for perfection and it produces a high quality of work. I think I’ve always been like this, which is why I refused to do Art GCSE, much to the dismay of my teacher. As much as he tried to persuade me to continue due to a natural ability, I knew that I would never be satisfied with the quality of my work – there would always be a colour that wasn’t quite the right shade or an angle that would look that tiny bit off.

Last year during my course, my obsession with perfection was highlighted. One fine evening, while in charge of the room decorations, a flower vase stand wasn’t quite straight. It was barely noticeable – but it bothered me the entire evening.

Letting things happen without analysing every minute detail is definitely something that I need to work on.

Perhaps I’ll be selective with what I should obsess about in future.

Yet again, I need to…

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