Mariya Ali

Today, I will exchange a controlled life for one that is manageable

The Language of Letting Go

There’s a lot in this book about control, eh. I wonder what control has to do with abusive relationships – when I was with Voldy I certainly had no control over anything – rather I was completely controlled. Perhaps after relinquishing total control, the knee-jerk reaction is to then feel a need to control everything.

Do I have this need? Really, do I? If I consider, deep down, what my needs are, is one of them to control? I think one is to avoid pain, which manifests as control. I mean, jeez, how many setbacks does a woman have to go through? I think of the whole school of thought that consists of something along the lines of “there are others that are in much worse situations”, but I feel like instead, one should celebrate what one has overcome. Oh dear, I just used the third person.

However, there are people in worse situations, and of course there are people in better situations. And then there’s me – my journey, my lessons, my happiness, my sadness…which I don’t wish to compare to others. So rather than aim to control – I’ll aim to take a back seat, take the ups as they come and the downs as they come.

If I get hurt? That’s life I guess. I’ve overcome it before, I can do it again.

Today, help me pay attention to all my recovery issues. Help me know that before I can work on the finer points of my recovery, such as my relationships, I must be free of addictive behaviors.

The Language of Letting Go

Thankfully, I have never felt the lure of addictions.

Unless you count chocolate.

Then I’m an addict that would sell my soul for my next fix.

Please guide my motives today. Help me love myself, and others too. Help me understand that more often than not, those two ideas are connected.

The Language of Letting Go

‘Where is my come from?’ is a phrase that now makes my skin crawl. So let’s rephrase that: “What’s my motivation?” More often than not, it’s an altruistic motive, but sometimes it’s not. It’s not even from a selfish place, but rather it’s from a place of wanting things to go a certain way so badly, that it controls (perhaps subconsciously) my actions.

So what to do? Pause and be mindful of my motives? To be honest, today I just feel like “meh. I’m good the way I am, thank you very much”. Quite serene, content and perfectly at ease. Rather than be conscious of my motives, I feel the need to ensure that I love myself and others too, as much as they (and I) deserve to be loved and that will rectify my motives at all times.

Yup, sounds like a plan.

Today, I call upon an energizing Power Source to help me. I will ask for what I need

The Language of Letting Go

Today, I will trust that what I cannot do for myself will be done for me. 

The Language of Letting Go

Sometimes, I just gotta breathe and let go. Relax, and trust that things will all fall neatly and beautifully into place.

Today, I will examine my life to see if the scales have swung too far in any area, or not far enough in some. I will work toward achieving balance

Hehe

Help me pay attention to my behaviors during the process of initiating relationships. Help me take responsibility for myself and learn what I need to learn. I will trust that the people I want and need will come into my life. I understand that if a relationship is not good for me, I have the right and ability to refuse to enter into it – even though the other person thinks it may be  good for him or her. I will be open to the lessons  I need to learn about me in relationships, so I am prepared for the best possible relationships with people.

The Language of Letting Go

I find it very hard to leave a relationship, or even a potential relationship. Which is ironic really, because then I feel rejected when it doesn’t work out – even though I actually didn’t really want it to in the first place. Maybe I value the person when they’re not available or maybe it’s an underlying self-esteem issue, and I discount people who are interested in me from the get-go.

So what behaviors do I have that contribute to this? Is it a manifestation of a lack of self esteem? That seems the likely culprit at the moment. Or maybe it’s a fear that the right people won’t come into my life. Or a combination of the both.

Then I think back and realise that every once in awhile, I will stop, my jaw will drop and I will say “wow”. Law of averages/attraction means that at some point that will be reciprocated, right?