Today, help me love myself. Help me let go of feeling excessively responsible for those around me. Show me what I need to do to take care of myself and be appropriately responsible to others.
The Language of Letting Go
Month: April 2016 (Page 3 of 6)
Today, I will let things happen without worrying about the significance of each event. I will trust that this will bring about my growth faster than running around with a microscope. I will trust my lessons to reveal themselves in their own time.
The Language of Letting Go
Am I a control freak? I’m not sure. I certainly have a tendency to obsess over things that I have no control over. I was randomly told by a near-stranger that I have a propensity to obsess…I’m not sure whether he picked up on that or whether it was part of the joke that he was running with.
Delving deeper, why do I do this? I think that it could be a fear of the future – a fear that I will get hurt. It could also be a symptom, a way of acting out and rebelling against feeling like I’ve been controlled for so long, a form of OCD or a combination of all of the above.
Then again, I remember Dr. Eapen once telling me that she refuses to treat it because it’s what fuels my creativity and is productive in my life. I suppose it’s a double edged sword – as much as it torments me, it helps me. My obsession turns into a need for perfection and it produces a high quality of work. I think I’ve always been like this, which is why I refused to do Art GCSE, much to the dismay of my teacher. As much as he tried to persuade me to continue due to a natural ability, I knew that I would never be satisfied with the quality of my work – there would always be a colour that wasn’t quite the right shade or an angle that would look that tiny bit off.
Last year during my course, my obsession with perfection was highlighted. One fine evening, while in charge of the room decorations, a flower vase stand wasn’t quite straight. It was barely noticeable – but it bothered me the entire evening.
Letting things happen without analysing every minute detail is definitely something that I need to work on.
Perhaps I’ll be selective with what I should obsess about in future.
Yet again, I need to…
Today, I will communicate clearly and directly in my conversations with others. I will strive to avoid manipulative, indirect, or guilt-producing statements. I can be tactful and gentle whenever possible. And I can be assertive if necessary.
The Language of Letting Go
Mind f*cked is the only term I can use to describe what voldy did to me. (Well, technically I can also say soul-murdering, but that’s a whole different story).
I am so thankful that I am no longer in a relationship where communication was always in the form of one (or more) of the following:
- Circular arguments (yup, round and around we went)
- Diverting the conversation (funny how in hindsight I realise that the conversation seemed to go onto other topics as soon as he wasn’t getting his way/he was being proved wrong)
- Straight up denial
- Blaming me (because everything was always my fault)
- Belittling my needs (whilst making out that I was this insufferable demanding woman)
- Ridiculing me
- Manipulative statements
- THE SILENT TREATMENT (for no apparent reason)
- Making me feel guilty for speaking up
- Many others…
It’s refreshing to (finally) be able to communicate with people without expecting these tactics. I can disagree, I can draw my boundaries and I can freely express myself without fear of the consequences.
“Why do you blog?” He asked.
After some thought, I replied “because I’m so used to being silenced and now I have a voice”.
Today, I will practice tolerance, acceptance and love of others as they are, and myself as I am. I will strive for that balance between expecting too much and expecting too little from others and myself.
The Language of Letting Go
After being ridiculed and judged consistently on every aspect of myself, I struggled with self-esteem for a very long time. It’s hard to love yourself when somebody has covertly conditioned you to dislike everything about you. From intelligence, personality, how you come across, how people view your behaviour, looks, body type, sense of humour…nothing was good enough. I was far from “perfect” – everything that was initially attractive about me were now my biggest flaws – and it knocked my confidence.
It took a lot of work and a lot of validation externally for me to believe in myself again – to understand that the things that were systematically undermined are really my greatest assets. In reality, I’m very intelligent, I have a great personality, I come across as well-spoken, funny and fun to be around, I’m pretty and yes, I could lose a few pounds, but I’m getting there. I don’t beat myself up about it (much), because I’m not perfect and I certainly have some chinks in my armour, but I’ve come to accept it. I’m okay with being a little bit short tempered, sometimes argumentative, occasionally lazy and a perpetual procrastinator.
I don’t expect perfection in others – but then again, I never did. In fact, I accepted too many flaws in others. Eager to find and keep love, I didn’t stand my ground and say “no, I’m not going to tolerate this”. Now, there are so many fish in the sea, I’m starting to be able to say “next!” when I realise that their imperfection is not the imperfection that would work well with my imperfection – if that makes any sense. I’ve become better at rejection – no longer taking it personally.
I’m not perfect. I am, however, perfectly imperfect. And that’s a beautiful thing.
Today, I will let myself enjoy life as I go through my day.
The Language of Letting Go
“Your golden life is today”, Atif once (very wisely) said. At the time I was in such a dark place that I was unable to see the truth in his statement.
2016 was the beginning of a new mindset and era in my life. I feel like I am really enjoying every day. As I sit on the window seat, on this beautiful day, looking at the calming waterfall in the garden, I feel a sense of calm and contentment within. After so many years of utter chaos, both within myself and in my environment, I’m truly savouring this serenity.
Possibilities, opportunities and options are abundant in my life. I feel like I’ve finally found my way back to my path.
I’m happy. Just completely happy – and satisfied with who I am. I’m accepting myself, appreciating myself and loving myself. The key word there – is myself. I’m happy by myself. It’s so freeing to not be dependent on anyone else to feel happy and complete.
It feels fantastic.
On another note, only one more day of entirely unmerited adulation to endure. *yay*.
Today, I will relax, breathe, and go with the flow.
The Language of Letting Go
While my year so far has been “Go, Go, GO!”, the past few days I’ve taken a bit of a breather. A well-needed-break to recoup. Ironic that I woke up this morning thinking “right, back on the horse today!” and then I read today’s affirmation. Hmm, maybe it’s a sign?
Or not. After-all, life is all about balance.
Right, I’m off to make my to-do list.
Today, I will take the time necessary to be responsible for myself financially. If it is time to pay bills or talk to creditors, I will do that. If it is time to set goals, I will do that. Once I have done my part, I will let the rest go.
The Language of Letting Go
And I shall spend it wisely 🙂