Mariya Ali

Today, I will apply the concept of detachment, to the best of my ability, in my relationships. If I can’t let go completely, I’ll try to “hang on loose”.

The Language of Letting Go

While reading the preamble to today’s affirmation, I came across this:

Detachment is not something we do once. It’s a daily behaviour in recovery.

Eureka! I have no idea why I hadn’t figured this out already.

Letting it go (i.e. detachment) has been so hard for me. Oh how I wish I could take a pill and erase that period of my life from my memory. As much as I resolved to move on, not care, forget, not bother, stop wasting my time etc. etc., thoughts of the past incessantly creep into my conscious mind. I vent – I vent a lot. I share (verbally or through this blog (if anyone’s reading)) when I have thoughts or memories of him. After being silenced (I was controlled and I covered up the abuse to protect the monster that I (am ashamed to say) once loved), I find it cathartic to speak freely. I don’t have anyone denying that they’re abusing me and that my ill treatment is a consequence of my behaviour. It’s like going on a strict diet, getting to your ideal weight and then going  for an all-you-can-eat buffet. Bad analogy, but hey, I’m hungry and I’m dieting.

What does this mean for me? Well, I don’t have to feel bad that I’m unable to simply erase him from my memory. I have to remind myself that this is a process, and that detachment happens gradually. Each time a thought of him comes up, I can just let it go and not beat myself up because I’m not able to make it disappear completely.

Slowly but surely, I’m drifting towards the horizon.

Today, I will be open to negotiating conflicts I have with people. I will strive for balance without being too submissive or too demanding. I will strive for appropriate flexibility in my problem-solving efforts.

The Language of Letting Go

How I used to negotiate conflicts (Pre-Voldy)

1. Conflict arised
2. I listened to the other person’s opinion
3. I raised my concerns and explained why I disagree
4. I went with the other person’s opinion even though I didn’t necessarily agree with it (normally due to a fear of abandonment – yup, hello again)
5. Even if they did agree with me after reasoning, I somehow convinced them to go with their original opinion due to guilt
6. I resented the other person

How I used to negotiate conflicts (With Voldy)

1. I didn’t. I just did what he said because I was afraid of the repercussions
2. On the rare occasions that I did try to reason with him, we ended up doing what he wanted anyway, because he was either right or I was wrong.

How I negotiate conflicts now

1. Conflict arises
2. I listen to the other person’s opinion
3. I express my own opinion and why I disagree
4. I consider what they said
5. I take into account how important the conflict topic is to them
6. If the other party doesn’t fully agree with me, I calmly come to a compromise or acquiesce, if I feel that it was not detrimental and would be beneficial to the other person’s happiness.
7. Happy days.

Whoop. I’m getting there!

PS. Hello speck of sand in an hourglass! Well look at this, you made it onto my blog 😉

Today, I will practice accepting myself and my present circumstances. I will begin to watch and trust the magic that acceptance can bring into my life and recovery.

The Language of Letting Go

How do I feel today? Shaken. Very shaken up from some triggers that have come up over the past few days and as I remember and recount the darkest moments and the devastating abuse, I realise that I have generally forgotten what happened, the intricacies of the abuse, but not the way that it made me feel.

I just need to accept it happened. I need to stop questioning.

Why?

Why me?

What did I do?

I have grown in so many ways – I am wiser to the world, I know more about humanity, inhumanity, compassion, empathy, love, forgiveness, care, support and self-worth. Through him I realised what a good person I am.

Today I need to focus on acceptance, especially after the past couple of days.

Make that: 

SHAPED NOT SHAKEN

Help me search out the blocks and barriers within myself. Bring what I need to know into my conscious mind, so I can be free of it. Show me what I need to know about myself.

The Language of Letting Go

It’s so ironic that I was discussing this precise topic with a friend of mine in New York yesterday. We talked about how we have worked on conscious issues, but how subcounscious issues that we are most likely unaware of are fuelling blocks and hesitation in our lives.

I think back to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and realise that if I analyse my responses to scenarios I can pinpoint the beliefs that I hold that place barriers in my path. I can then address them using the tools and techniques that I’m oh-so-familiar-with-now. I feel like I have been doing this work for so long that there can’t be anymore skeletons in my closet, surely?

I suppose every new moment is an opportunity for another self-limiting belief to lodge itself in my subconscious mind, or for an existing one to take up a slightly larger space. I realise that I have been neglecting it all, thinking that a-long-time-ago, I already dealt with this crap.  Time, and life, continuously fuels the monsters in my head and as I reflect, I notice that I’ve let them run wild.

Today, I shall spend some time looking at my blocks, barriers and limiting beliefs…insecurity, abandonment and a need for external validation are the first that pop into mind.