hulk

 

Mariya, 75% of the time you are smart, articulate and funny.  You talk a lot of sense.  The other 25% of the time, you regress into this primitive emotional state”.

I quote directly, but this a paraphrase of what was said to me by a dear friend.  So as I do, I have obsessively and laboriously analysed this nugget of information.  Yes, 75% of the time, I am me.  I embody the things I talk about: I am optimistic, I take obstacles in my stride (for the most part – except a few scarring experiences that I consciously choose not to entirely heal from) and generally, pretty content and happy with myself.  But then there’s that 25%.  That quarter of my life where I turn green, lose complete control of my emotions and turn into an over-sized, out of control vehicle of sheer, utter destruction (minus the superhuman strength).

And then he said it.

What I am hearing is you are a victim who is vying for attention”

This hit a nerve.  Not because it was insensitive, but because it was oh so true.  It was also most definitely not the first time I have been told this.

When the realisation sunk in, my response was to fall deeper into this victim mentality.  I justified why it was okay for me to feel this way.  He just doesn’t understand, I thought. Deep down though, I knew he did.  I knew he had cut through all of the self pity, the self deprecating narrative that my Hulk lives by and seen it for what it was.  He saw the green monster and reminded me that I’m Bruce Banner.  Aside: Thank you, #Yourock.

This morning, I woke up a slight hue of green (not literally – although I hope the imagery made you chuckle).  I am quick to give out advice on loving yourself, living authentically within possibility and letting go of the past.  I strive to spread the concept of creating the best version of yourself, but I don’t live by this 100% of the time.  There’s still that shirt-tearing, fist pounding 25% of the time when my Hulk takes over.   I woke up to an underlying feeling of guilt and disappointment in myself, because I allowed myself to regress back into the person that I so desperately want to get away from being and ran in the opposite direction from the person that I decided and committed to being.

So I wonder: Am I the Hulk or am I a Hypocrite?

Perhaps I am neither.

perhaps I am both.

Perhaps I am human.