It is so easy to come to the defense of others. How clear it is when others are being used, controlled, manipulated, or abused. It is so easy to fight their battles, become righteously indignant, rally to their aid, and spur them on to victory.
“You have rights,” we tell them. “And those rights are being violated. Stand up for yourself, without guilt.”
Why is it so hard, then, for us to rally to our own behalf? Why can’t we see when we are being used, victimised, lied to, manipulated, or otherwise violated? Why is it so difficult for us to stand up for ourselves?
There are times in life when we can walk a gentle, loving path. There are times, however, when we need to stand up fro ourselves – when walking the gentle, loving path puts us deeper into the hands of those who could mistreat us.
Some days, the lesson we’re to be learning and practicing is one of setting boundaries. Some days, the lesson we’re learning is that of fighting for ourselves and our own rights.
Sometimes, the lesson won’t stop until we do.
“I’m setting my boundaries”, I remember her saying, right before she hung up the phone. In my humble opinion, hanging up the phone on someone in any setting is simply rude, childish and uncalled for. Nevertheless, I remember thinking “well, have fun with your boundaries. They’ll soon be torn apart.”
Months later, I remember being told that my anger was a response to my boundaries being violated.
What boundaries?
What are boundaries?
What are my boundaries?
Over time, I’ve started to analyse and answer these questions. You see, the concept of boundaries is so foreign to me. Perhaps it was my chronic low self-esteem, or my enmeshment in all relationships, or my lack of assertiveness, or my eagerness to please, or an overlap of some or all of those – but the bottom line is that I basically had no idea what a boundary was. With this revelation, many events from my past started to make sense.
So I embarked on a journey to discover my boundaries and eventually implement them. I went from one extreme to another, from having no boundaries to enforcing such strict boundaries that I ended up being completely unforgiving at the slightest sign of someone violating them. I was so hypersensitive to putting myself in another precarious situation that I didn’t leave any room for negotiation.
Now I feel like I’ve struck a good balance. I won’t take crap from people anymore and I will speak my mind. I will say no. I don’t care if you don’t like it.
Mainly though, I will take care of myself the way I take care of others.
Because, well, in the words of L’oreals marketing department, I’m worth it. *Hair flick*
Am I wrong in giving out my website URL to someone I barely know? After all, I do bare my soul and share things that I wouldn’t tell a stranger, so isn’t publishing it on my blog the same thing?