Category: Musings (Page 4 of 7)
And so here I am, 8 years later, waiting for it all to implode. Poisoning my soul with ill wishes and negative thoughts. I say it’s for your own good, but really part of me knows, deep down, it is to avenge and want to witness pain.
I hope you know, this is not personal. It never was. I just wasn’t able to accept that this was meant to be my path.
But now I must.
After all these years, I can only be grateful for what a lucky escape I had. I live in my dream apartment, with a great career in progress and surrounded with love and positivity.
I think back to where I was 7 years ago and what my future could have been – stuck with a selfish, abusive man and part of a classless family. I am sure I would have ended up sacrifing to fulfil his endless need for admiration and the limelight and despite this, being made to feel insufficient, incompetent and frankly undermining my entire sense of self worth.
How lucky I am to have escaped that awful situation, had the opportunity to rebuild myself and live the life that I am currently living.
Thank you for opening my eyes and saving me from making the biggest mistake of my life.
Alhamdolillah.
So, after my epic meltdown last week at my Walk the Tightrope session (thank you depression), I’m trying to make some positive changes in my life. I think J and E have realised just how unhappy and demotivated I actually am – and thankfully things seem to be changing.
The past few weeks have flown by, things have been so busy and hectic. So, this post will serve solely as an update, rather than have any meaningful insights into myself, life, or any of the other things I sometimes reflect on here.
Mamu came last weekend and it was lovely to see him. Things are so different when he comes to London compared to when I go and visit him – it’s really lovely to have him around.
I’m thinking of making the move to Dubai – speaking of, things with Swindon are going so well. I absolutely adore that guy.
So despite my meltdown last week…smiley face 🙂
Apologies for the upcoming short post, but I thought it was time for a little bit of an update.
Things seem to be coming together quite well at the moment. Work is…satisfying. M is visiting London so I’m having a great time with her. Diet is…well, let’s move on from that topic. Love life situation is good too, I’m just happily getting to know someone (who happens to be really mature, funny, intelligent, witty, great conversation and last but not least, cute) and it’s fun.
So all in all, things are rolling along smoothly.
Sans the diet.
Oh well, you can’t have it all.
Ugh. I’m sorry, I’m just going to thought vomit. Because I have feeling sickness.
I’m so tired of figuring out more and more ways in which I am just completely, utterly and entirely f*cked up. I mean, I have so many emotional issues that I don’t even know what’s “normal” about me. I keep thinking that the right circumstances will fix things, but they won’t. The harsh reality is that I just need to suck it up and sort it out, all by my lonesome. Then the victim mentality that I am oh-so-familiar-with kicks in – why me? Why can’t things just fall into place?
But the reality is, they are. Well, mostly. But that elusive Mr Right, well, he remains nowhere to be seen. And in concentrating exclusively on this fact, I continue to feel like a failure. Even though I have a thousand good qualities and great things happening in my life, I feel broken, incomplete and worthless because I “can’t find a guy”. Years of family and cultural pressure have conditioned me to feel this way. Now, it’s up to me, and me alone, to recalibrate.
Jeez, where do I start?
Just a quick check in. Busy with my master’s (which I love). Can’t believe I have only got 2 more classes left. I’m seriously going to miss LSE. But, the uphill climb of Dissertation looms ahead of me.
Bring it?