Mariya Ali

Today, I will wait, if waiting is the action I need in order to take care of myself. I will know that I am taking a positive, forceful action by waiting until the time is right. Help me let go of my fear, urgency, and panic. Help me learn the art of waiting until the times is right. Help me learn timing.

The Language of Letting Go

Timing is a curious thing. Over the course of my (relatively short) life thus far, things seem to have happened at the right time. Of course, at the time life felt like it was crumbling, and it was – but it was crumbling at the right time.

So for the things that haven’t happened yet to me, I need to hang on to this thought – that everything happens at the right time.

It’s just a matter of sitting tight and waiting.

Today, I will consider whether a deadline might be helpful in some area in my life.

The Language of Letting Go

I struggled with deadlines in relationships – twice. Perhaps I need to stop getting involved with commitment phobes and psychopaths. Actually, DEFINITELY the latter.

I hate being in ambiguous territory – maybe it’s a lack of confidence, skeletons in my closet that haven’t been dealt with or a need for control, but that feeling of the unknown doesn’t sit well with me.

Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s them.

I know for sure that a healthy, adult relationship won’t make me feel like I am unsure of where I stand. So rather than setting deadlines, I think I just need to walk away from people who I feel I need to set a deadline for.

Essentially, I need to stop giving away my power.

Today, help me to let go of my resistance to change. Help me be open to the process. Help me believe that the place I’ll be dropped off will be better than the place where I was picked up. Help me surrender, trust and accept, even if I don’t understand.

The Language of Letting Go

Today, I will understand that I hold the key to my freedom. I will stop participating in my oppression and victimisation. I will take responsibility for myself, and let others do as they may.

The Language of Letting Go

Again, a pertinent post for me. Yesterday night, I had another pity party. I cried, vented, got sympathy, gave myself sympathy and fueled the fire of victimisation. I knew what I was doing to myself as I did it and today I woke up feeling deflated, upset and angry. It revived feelings that I haven’t had in quite some time and has ended up being detrimental to me.

What are the payoffs for being the victim? Empathy from others for sure, but the biggest payoff was validation that what I went through was bad. In JF’s words “horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible” and “awful awful awful abuse”. I needed to hear that. I needed to remind myself, or rather be reminded, that I was a victim. Why? As I reflect on this question, I don’t really have a clear answer. For comfort, for validation and to create an understanding of how hurt I truly was/still am. An explanation for why I do what I do.

I don’t want to be silent – I want that understanding. My story deserves to be told and I deserve to be listened to. If it gives me that brief moment of sympathy/empathy, to me that’s worth the fallout the next day.

Today, I feel okay with allowing myself to slip back into victim mode, as infrequent as it is. It briefly takes away my freedom, but when I think about it, it gives me freedom. It lets others see how my wings are slightly burnt so that they understand if I don’t fly so high. In a way, I take responsibility for myself, yet I also control feeling a victim – which I suppose is a way of not being a victim, because I have control over it, which by definition then removes being a victim – if you follow my (slightly convoluted) logic.

So I think that yesterday, I did have freedom, because I chose to feel the way I did. And I’m fine with that.

Today, help me love myself. Help me let go of feeling excessively responsible for those around me. Show me what I need to do to take care of myself and be appropriately responsible to others.

The Language of Letting Go

Today, I will let things happen without worrying about the significance of each event. I will trust that this will bring about my growth faster than running around with a microscope. I will trust my lessons to reveal themselves in their own time.

The Language of Letting Go

Am I a control freak? I’m not sure. I certainly have a tendency to obsess over things that I have no control over. I was randomly told by a near-stranger that I have a propensity to obsess…I’m not sure whether he picked up on that or whether it was part of the joke that he was running with.

Delving deeper, why do I do this? I think that it could be a fear of the future – a fear that I will get hurt. It could also be a symptom, a way of acting out and rebelling against feeling like I’ve been controlled for so long, a form of OCD or a combination of all of the above.

Then again, I remember Dr. Eapen once telling me that she refuses to treat it because it’s what fuels my creativity and is productive in my life. I suppose it’s a double edged sword – as much as it torments me, it helps me. My obsession turns into a need for perfection and it produces a high quality of work. I think I’ve always been like this, which is why I refused to do Art GCSE, much to the dismay of my teacher. As much as he tried to persuade me to continue due to a natural ability, I knew that I would never be satisfied with the quality of my work – there would always be a colour that wasn’t quite the right shade or an angle that would look that tiny bit off.

Last year during my course, my obsession with perfection was highlighted. One fine evening, while in charge of the room decorations, a flower vase stand wasn’t quite straight. It was barely noticeable – but it bothered me the entire evening.

Letting things happen without analysing every minute detail is definitely something that I need to work on.

Perhaps I’ll be selective with what I should obsess about in future.

Yet again, I need to…