Mariya Ali

The problem with words is that everyone has a different definition of what they mean.  Although there are so many dictionaries in existence, it’s essentially our own interpretation that guides how we understand our interactions with others.  If you truly think about it, the majority of our experience in the world is communicated through this flimsy medium.

I’ve realised lately just how ambiguous communication is.  I have struggled, despite being articulate, to communicate my point succinctly.  Then it dawned on me: although I was saying the words, essentially the language that myself and the other party spoke was completely different. Which in all honesty, was quite a revelation for me and not something that I have  put much thought into in the past.

So I wonder, how many times have I walked away from a conversation not truly understanding what the other person meant?  How many relationships have been affected negatively or positively by this subliminal force? What aspects of our lives come together to shape our innate dictionary?  Our interactions with others? Culture? Family? Experiences? Our interpretation of the other person’s body language and tone?  Context?  I suppose, based on my own experiences, it’s all of them.

I was watching an interview on the Oprah show, where a wide range of people were interviewed and asked what the term “vulnerability” means to them and interestingly, none of them had the same definition.

Apparently, it is supposed to mean:

• capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon:
  a vulnerable part of the body.

Mariya, 75% of the time you are smart, articulate and funny.  You talk a lot of sense.  The other 25% of the time, you regress into this primitive emotional state”.

I quote directly, but this a paraphrase of what was said to me by a dear friend.  So as I do, I have obsessively and laboriously analysed this nugget of information.  Yes, 75% of the time, I am me.  I embody the things I talk about: I am optimistic, I take obstacles in my stride (for the most part – except a few scarring experiences that I consciously choose not to entirely heal from) and generally, pretty content and happy with myself.  But then there’s that 25%.  That quarter of my life where I turn green, lose complete control of my emotions and turn into an over-sized, out of control vehicle of sheer, utter destruction (minus the superhuman strength).

And then he said it.

What I am hearing is you are a victim who is vying for attention”

This hit a nerve.  Not because it was insensitive, but because it was oh so true.  It was also most definitely not the first time I have been told this.

When the realisation sunk in, my response was to fall deeper into this victim mentality.  I justified why it was okay for me to feel this way.  He just doesn’t understand, I thought. Deep down though, I knew he did.  I knew he had cut through all of the self pity, the self deprecating narrative that my Hulk lives by and seen it for what it was.  He saw the green monster and reminded me that I’m Bruce Banner.  Aside: Thank you, #Yourock.

This morning, I woke up a slight hue of green (not literally – although I hope the imagery made you chuckle).  I am quick to give out advice on loving yourself, living authentically within possibility and letting go of the past.  I strive to spread the concept of creating the best version of yourself, but I don’t live by this 100% of the time.  There’s still that shirt-tearing, fist pounding 25% of the time when my Hulk takes over.   I woke up to an underlying feeling of guilt and disappointment in myself, because I allowed myself to regress back into the person that I so desperately want to get away from being and ran in the opposite direction from the person that I decided and committed to being.

So I wonder: Am I the Hulk or am I a Hypocrite?

Perhaps I am neither.

perhaps I am both.

Perhaps I am human.

“I don’t want to see this”, I click.  Facebook asks me why.  Am I offended by the content? Do I find it inappropriate? Is it spam? No on all counts.  Sometimes, I just don’t want to see how great other people feel.  Sometimes, I’m quite happy not having the highlights of other peoples’ lives constantly shoved in my face.  Sometimes, I just don’t want to buy into the illusion.

Nobody is perfect.  No relationship is as happy as Facebook pictures and statuses misguide you into believing.  Nobody is as happy, social, skinny, or whatever it is that you may think while perusing (read: stalking) other peoples’ profiles.

Studies have shown that facebook (and other social media outlets) can cause depression.  In a world where we are constantly using the superficial lives of others as our measuring stick, it’s hard to really live up to these (false) ideals.

I’m guilty of it too.  I look like my profile picture maybe 10% of the time.  I untag pictures that are unflattering and I only update my status when something positive happens.

So next time you hide a post, don’t worry, you’re not the only one that does this.  And facebook, you may want to add “I don’t want to fall into a spiral depression because of others” to your reasons for not wanting to see posts.

Very much a work in progress.

1. Wear a bikini
2. Skinny dip (somewhere secluded)
3. Feed a kangaroo in Australia
4. Play “Bright Eyes” on the piano
5. Get published
6. Prevent at least one girl from being circumcised
7. Go on two dates in one day (possibly with the same person)
8. Try laughter therapy and howl away
9. Act in a play
10. Sing “Mera naam chin chin choo” while on the Great Wall of China
11. Take part in a flash mob
12. FINALLY see Phantom of the Opera
13. Tell my soulmate that I love him in St. Paul’s Cathedral’s whispering gallery
14. Swim with dolphins
15. Attend a Shabbath dinner
16. Go to Graceland in Nanny’s memory
17. Dance in the rain in a white sari
18. Name my daughter after my beautiful grandmother
19. Legally change my name to what’s on my birth certificate!
20. Sip a virgin pina colada in Goa with my best friend
21. Visit Seattle and make incredible memories with someone who treats me like a Queen
22. Go back to New Zealand
23. Visit the pyramids of Giza
24. Go and see a play at the Globe with Dad
25. Take my children to a pantomime at the Beck theatre
26. Go on a Caribbean cruise
27. Visit an ashram
28. Have a deep, meaningful conversation with a monk
29. Go skydiving
30. Take a helicopter ride
31. Go on a trip down memory lane with my family 
32. Ask out the guy I like
33. Speak 8 languages
34. Learn Arabic
35. Go to Karbala
36. Do another Master’s Degree
37. Go to Cambridge University
38. Visit Antarctica
39. Travel to 100 countries
40. Play 50 songs on the guitar
41. Produce a documentary
42. Make a speech in front of 500 people
43. Swim with dolphins
44. See a great white shark
45. See a killer whale in the wild
46. Have a titanic moment on a ship
47. Pee my pants from laughing too hard

Thoughtfulness is something that is taken for granted.  It is only after you cross paths with a selfish, conceited, self centered person that you truly appreciate this quality.  The type of person that I *almost* married. (Once again, thank you God for saving me).

I oftentimes wondered why I went through what I did.  I don’t deliberately harm others and I can’t recall a time in my (current) life when I have done anything that would warrant going through such a horrible ordeal.

But there’s always a silver lining to every cloud.  Be it a light, fluffy cumulus cloud; the giant bubbles of cotton that every 5 year old draws, or especially if that cloud is an ominous, thunderous nimbostratus that completely conceals the sun and deprives the day (or figuratively speaking, life) of light.  My relationshit with the ex was one hell of the latter.

And so what is the silver lining to this god forsaken cloud?  Well, there are many. Yesterday, however, one in particular really stood out.

Thoughtfulness: Given to or chosen or made with heedful anticipation of the needs and wants of others

It is refreshing for a friend to take into account where my train would be arriving to ensure that he is there to greet me when I reached my destination.

It is touching when my interests and hobbies are taken into account when plans are being made.

It is heart warming when a stranger shares a tissue with me to stifle my sniffles.

Truly appreciating and feeling gratitude whenever kindness is shown towards me is such an amazing feeling.   Good people mean so much to me and I value them in a way that cannot be described in words.

That, my friends, is part of the glistening, pure sterling silver lining of my nimbostratus cloud.