Mariya Ali

Please guide my motives today. Help me love myself, and others too. Help me understand that more often than not, those two ideas are connected.

The Language of Letting Go

‘Where is my come from?’ is a phrase that now makes my skin crawl. So let’s rephrase that: “What’s my motivation?” More often than not, it’s an altruistic motive, but sometimes it’s not. It’s not even from a selfish place, but rather it’s from a place of wanting things to go a certain way so badly, that it controls (perhaps subconsciously) my actions.

So what to do? Pause and be mindful of my motives? To be honest, today I just feel like “meh. I’m good the way I am, thank you very much”. Quite serene, content and perfectly at ease. Rather than be conscious of my motives, I feel the need to ensure that I love myself and others too, as much as they (and I) deserve to be loved and that will rectify my motives at all times.

Yup, sounds like a plan.

Today, I call upon an energizing Power Source to help me. I will ask for what I need

The Language of Letting Go

Today, I will trust that what I cannot do for myself will be done for me. 

The Language of Letting Go

Sometimes, I just gotta breathe and let go. Relax, and trust that things will all fall neatly and beautifully into place.

Today, I will examine my life to see if the scales have swung too far in any area, or not far enough in some. I will work toward achieving balance

Hehe

Help me pay attention to my behaviors during the process of initiating relationships. Help me take responsibility for myself and learn what I need to learn. I will trust that the people I want and need will come into my life. I understand that if a relationship is not good for me, I have the right and ability to refuse to enter into it – even though the other person thinks it may be  good for him or her. I will be open to the lessons  I need to learn about me in relationships, so I am prepared for the best possible relationships with people.

The Language of Letting Go

I find it very hard to leave a relationship, or even a potential relationship. Which is ironic really, because then I feel rejected when it doesn’t work out – even though I actually didn’t really want it to in the first place. Maybe I value the person when they’re not available or maybe it’s an underlying self-esteem issue, and I discount people who are interested in me from the get-go.

So what behaviors do I have that contribute to this? Is it a manifestation of a lack of self esteem? That seems the likely culprit at the moment. Or maybe it’s a fear that the right people won’t come into my life. Or a combination of the both.

Then I think back and realise that every once in awhile, I will stop, my jaw will drop and I will say “wow”. Law of averages/attraction means that at some point that will be reciprocated, right?

Help me accept the potent emotions I may feel toward family members. Help me be grateful for the lesson they are teaching me. I accept the golden light of healing that is now shining on me and my family.

The Language of Letting Go

Anger at family? I can’t really say that I have any of that. I’m blessed to have incredible parents, second-parents, siblings and second-siblings.

“In all of my pain, I forgot about the pain that my parents are going through”, I remember M telling me after her divorce. Through my pain, I forgot about the pain that my family felt, watching me in pain. Yet, they put that aside and were 100% there for me, through good times and bad, and awful. So no, I have no anger towards my family – only gratitude.

Today, I will ask myself what I would be doing differently if I weren’t trying to control. When I hear the answer, I will do it. Help me let go of my need to control. Help me set myself and others free.

The Language of Letting Go

I don’t need to control people – I want to control situations. Perhaps it’s my fear of pain – or rather, my (superhuman) ability to put myself in positions where pain is inevitable. Maybe it isn’t inevitable – but just a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So what would I be doing differently if I weren’t trying to control? What would it really feel like to let go? I suppose it  would entail really, truly living in the moment. Not worrying about the future, or lamenting on the past, but being grounded in the present moment.

I remember Krista once giving me a tip – look down at my feet. My feet are on the ground, in the present moment. They aren’t 5 years down the line and they aren’t in the rear-view mirror.

I realise now that I’ve spent so much of my life either looking back wistfully or looking forward skeptically, that I’ve scarcely enjoyed the present moment. I didn’t savour the colours, smells, tastes and company while it was happening. I’m left with a lot of regrets – relationships and moments that I wish I had cherished at the time that have slipped through my fingers.

Oh-well. Lessons learnt. Today, I will look down at my feet and rather than clicking my heels three times, thinking about where I’d rather be, I’ll take a deep breath, look up and enjoy the moment. Right there and then.